Time . . . Is A Many Splendored Thing.

Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. I know it sounds cliche', but, seriously, where did the time go? Or should I say, where did I go?

Fifteen years ago, I was 24 years old. I was working full time and going to college full time in the evenings. I was half-way through my undergraduate degree and had made up my mind to attend law school thereafter. I was full of plans, confidence, and ambition. I knew what I wanted and how to get it.

My fiance'/now husband was the same. He also worked full time and attended college full time. We chose to get married in January as it was semester break. We couldn't afford to take any time off from school; we were that focused. Returning from our honeymoon, we both began new jobs -- part time and attended college full time, during the day. We finally finished our undergraduate degrees. My husband found a job in his field and has been very successful. I attended law school and graduated in 1998.

I played at having my own law practice for approximately a year. Upon getting pregnant, I gladly folded up shop and embraced my new life as a new mother. Eight years later, I am a stay-at-home mother to two wonderful kids. When I got married, I was out of the house at least 14 hours every day for work and school. Homework and studying, additional. Now I am home round the clock. Some days, I don't even get out of the house except for driving my kids to and from school.

That is not to say I am not happy or not fulfilled, but it is certainly a different lifestyle than I had been living. And I am a different person. Is this who I am? Or was that who I am? I guess I could answer yes to both questions as time certainly changes people. But the truth is, I do feel like I am not all I am supposed to be right now. That driven person. That competitive person. That confident person. Where is she? I think she is lying, buried under the layers and layers of ashes of self-doubt that is parenthood. Does anything really rock your self-confidence as much as parenthood?

What's that Jacqueline Kennedy quote? Something like, "If you bumble raising your children, nothing else you ever do much matters." I have always remembered that. There is no more important job on earth, yet there is no more complex and confusing one. If only our children knew how uncertain their parents often are. It seems for every decision one makes in parenting, there is an equally good argument for the other decision. And you're talking about lives here. The lives of the people who are most precious to you. No small thing. In college, if you make a wrong decision, your grade suffers. In parenting, if you make a wrong decision, your child suffers. Big responsibility.

Maybe I need to work outside the home to regain my confidence. Or maybe I need to work outside the home to relieve stress. My husband, ever-so-stressed at work, would laugh to hear me say that. But, really. To work at a job where, occasionally, you KNOW you have done something correctly; to have an instant gratification or reassurance that you've done good. That is appealing and would probably feed a certain part of my soul.

I am bumbling here. Just thoughts.

I just know there is a need in me for something more. I just don't know what, specifically.

Fifteen years ago, I knew everything I wanted and how to get it. And I did it. And then I wanted something else. And I got it. And now I want something more, but I don't know what it is or how to get it.

I thought we grew wiser as we grow older.